Saturday, May 8, 2010

On my mind... Mother's day...

This year I have been thinking a lot about the evolution of Mother's Day in my own life. Please bear with me, I just need to get these thoughts written down and sent into the great cosmic void that is the internet.
When I was little Mother's day was a day where my siblings and I got to make something special for our mom, as well as breakfast and dinner. It wasn't until I was 8 that it began to mean something more. I don't know when my Mom got sick, but she did. What I do remember is hugging her in her mint green bathroom, in front of the sink, as she was packing. I still have flashbacks of that very moment. She knelt down, looked me straight in the eye, and told me that she was going to get better. I remember wondering if we would have another Mother's day of celebrating her and not remembering her. She of course pulled through, but that was a defining moment in my childhood. My Mom became an important person in my life, that sounds funny, but she became more than just my Mom.

Fast forward a few years, I am 22 and struggling to overcome infertility. Wondering if I will ever become a mom myself. Looking at friends that have children and becoming angry with myself for causing this. The worst part was knowing that because of my insecurities and fears as a teenager and the poor choices I made, I might never get to experience Mother's day. I might have robbed my husband of experiencing Father's day as well. I was so angry with myself, but I found help and I got 2 beautiful babies. After complications I am again facing infertility and may never bring another baby into my family, but I am at peace with that.

As a mother of both a son and a daughter I wonder... Can I raise my son to be a gentle but hard working honest man? Can I help to get him through tough teenaged years? Can I protect my sweet baby girl from the evils of the world? Can I raise her to be a confident woman when I myself am not one? Will my children ever have to face the possibility of losing a parent early in life? How can I protect them? All I can do is teach them right from wrong and that they are safe at home, that I love them more than my own life.

At the end of each day I pause and ask myself "Did I love them enough today?" Most days I can honestly say yes, the others I need to work on. I am truly thankful for the opportunity I have of being a mother. I still get teary eyed when Ty calls me "Mom" and when Ruby looks at me with that I-know-you-and-I-trust-you face. I love my husband and all that he does to support me as a wife and mother. I love my Heavenly Father for trusting me enough to care for these sweet spirits. I'm thankful for my Mom for being my friend and for keeping her promise of getting better.

Ty Marshall aka Brother Bear
Ruby Ray aka Sassy